Living Now
Lifetime achievement award goes to Chinese label industry’s founding father
Young people are the future of the sign industry in the UK
HP to showcase new business growth opportunities at photokina 2016
VersaUV Experience Day by Roland DG was successful
Music
Van Morrison Biography
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Events
Absolute Graphics A Winner
New T3 Affinity display system proves an ‘absolute winner’ for Irish company. One of the…Mimaki UJV55-320 To ‘WoW’ Visitors At Sign & Digital UK
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Arts & Entertainment
Lifetime achievement award goes to Chinese label industry’s founding father
Young people are the future of the sign industry in the UK
HP to showcase new business growth opportunities at photokina 2016
VersaUV Experience Day by Roland DG was successful
First Appearance Of MTEX 5032HS In UK
IDS Wins Red Dot Award
Life & Style
Xerox is splitting their company in two.
Soyang Europe Strengthens Sales Team
Burns To Chair New Xerox Company
IIJ Beefs-Up Technical Support
New Technical Service Engineer At Durst UK
Brother Goes Outside ‘The Box’
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Afghanistan, one day her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 6 Taliban fighters.
She shot 3 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed 2 more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last of the Taliban with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't F**K with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I love these touching stories!
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1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the Bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
________________________________________
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Paddy McCoy, an Irish printer, received a letter from the Department of Social Welfare stating he was suspected of not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and that an inspector would be dispatched to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy. “There’s the printer – I pay him €240 a week and he has a free van. Then there’s the receptionist – she gets €190 a week along with free board and lodging. There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16-hour day, does 90 per cent of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep in the master bedroom.”
“That’s disgraceful” said the inspector. “I need to interview the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me, then,” said Paddy.
Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved
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The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved
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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and went to heaven.
God greets them and asks: “When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says: “I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force.”
The second police officer says: “I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.”
The last cop replies: “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!”
Ellen Neumann
Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved
True or False
The Pope’s Election
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On the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic in which 1,509 people died and…What Women Want
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Bob Tallent Thursday 8th December 2011 I picked up a bad cold last Monday. It’s now…Answers to Brainteasers
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Fun
21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
The Gay Cowboy
Monastery Life
Can you measure up?
