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Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 20 January 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

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Two nuns were shopping at a Tesco store. As they passed the beer fridge, one nun said to the other: “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered: “Indeed it would, sister. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer since I am certain it would cause a scene at the check-out.”

“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said. “Back at the convent, we call it Catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a packet of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

Ellen Neumann

Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 14 January 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied: ‘Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!’

And that’s how the fight started....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked: ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said: ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’

So I said: ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.’

He said: ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her: ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ she sighed. ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn‘t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked: ‘What’s on TV?’

I said: ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started.

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of five years replied: ‘And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And that’s how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said: ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds.’

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked for my driver’s licence to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said: ‘Unbutton your shirt.’

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said: ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said: ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me: ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

I replied: ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’

And then the fight started...

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning... the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said: ‘I am not happy!’

So I said: ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.

By Ellen Neumann

Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 06 January 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

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16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, offline work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3am... 4.30am is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL... LOL!”

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, “So, what's your URL?” as a pick-up line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the internet.

2. I will limit my top 10 lists to 10 items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

By Ellen Neumann

Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 30 December 2011

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

User Rating: 0 / 5

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child! A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, and then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Ellen Neumann

Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved