One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied: ‘Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!’
And that’s how the fight started....
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked: ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said: ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’
So I said: ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.’
He said: ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started.....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her: ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed. ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn‘t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked: ‘What’s on TV?’
I said: ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started.
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of five years replied: ‘And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said: ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds.’
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked for my driver’s licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said: ‘Unbutton your shirt.’
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said: ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said: ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me: ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied: ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’
And then the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning... the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!
He looked up at me and said: ‘I am not happy!’
So I said: ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
By Ellen Neumann
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