User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive
 

 

21 things you can only

get away with saying at Christmas

 

santa and reindeersanta and reindeer1.     I prefer breasts to legs

2.     Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3.     Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4.     If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5.     I've never seen a better spread!

6.     I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7.     Are you ready for seconds yet?

8.     It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9.     Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10.   Don't play with your meat.

11.    Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12.   Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13.   I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14.   You still have a little bit on your chin.

15.   How long will it take after you put it in?

16.   You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17.   Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18.   That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19.   I'm so full I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20.   Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21.   I do like a good stuffing.

 

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Bob Tallent

Copyright © 2015, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

Living - Fun - A Bit of Fun

  • santa and reindeer
    Dec 11, 2015

    21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

    21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2.…
  • cowboys
    Dec 20, 2013

    The Gay Cowboy

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very…
  • monks
    Oct 31, 2013

    Monastery Life

    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in…
  • Mar 29, 2013

    Is spring coming soon

  • Mar 15, 2013

    Can you measure up?

    It was a wet day when a man walked out to the street and caught a taxi. He got into the…
  • horses bum
    Feb 22, 2013

    SHERGARS BUM

    I cant help myself this week. So please excuse the sick jobs. Talking about being sick I…
  • swearing-at-work
    Feb 15, 2013

    Office Notice - Swearing at Work.

    Office Notice Swearing at Work. Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's…
  • holiday complaints
    Feb 08, 2013

    Thomas Cook Holidays Complaints

    A listing some of their UK client’s genuine complaints. 1. "I think it should be…
  • i asked god for a bike
    Jan 25, 2013

    ONE LINERS

    So much to do. So few people to do it for me. The thought of terror frightens me. You…
  • nuns
    Jan 11, 2013

    Two Nuns

    There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one…
  • Nov 30, 2012

    A Lady and her dog

    WWII, an American soldier, weary from long weeks at the front is on a train leaving Paris…
  • Nov 23, 2012

    You Know That You Are Irish When...

    You know you're Irish when - You don't need to study for exams because your Granny lit a…
  • post turtle
    Oct 26, 2012

    There is a lot of truth here...

    This sound like some people that I know!!! While treating a cut on the hand of a 75 year…
  • cow
    Sep 14, 2012

    Seamus & Bessie...

    Seamus & Bessie... An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was…
  • football
    Sep 07, 2012

    FOOTBALL QUOTES

    "I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"…
  • Aug 31, 2012

    How much is a hole worth!

    Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar... Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the…
  • Jul 19, 2012

    Traffic Camera

    A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture…
  • Jun 20, 2012

    List of English signs in other countries:

    1. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. 2. At a…
  • Jun 01, 2012

    Great Truths

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't…
  • May 19, 2012

    AGE IS A FUNNY THING

    from Bob'S PUNCH LINE. Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get…
  • May 11, 2012

    Don’t talk to the driver!

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the…
  • May 04, 2012

    5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

    5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on…
  • Apr 27, 2012

    Peace of mind

    An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there,…
  • Apr 20, 2012

    I’ve got problems

    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I…
  • Apr 13, 2012

    Just call me PADDY

    A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat…
  • Apr 06, 2012

    Buried upside down

    An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.…
  • Mar 30, 2012

    A letter to God

    Little Billy wanted 100 bucks badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then…
  • Mar 23, 2012

    Don’t shout so loud!

    Bert feared his wife Alice wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might…
  • Mar 16, 2012

    Always defrost the chicken

    Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! Scientists at NASA…
  • Mar 09, 2012

    Why, Why, Why

    Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are…
  • Aengus-O'Snodaigh
    Mar 02, 2012

    It’s Inkredible that the Wolf Toner had no Inkling what he was doing

    I was tidying up the DPNlive twitter account this morning and fell across the Aengus Ó…
  • Mar 02, 2012

    The Pastor's Ass

    The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the…
  • Feb 25, 2012

    THE LOVE DRESS

    The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang…
  • Feb 18, 2012

    The moral of the story------------

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a…
  • Feb 11, 2012

    How to wash a cat!

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the…
  • Feb 04, 2012

    Artful printer dodges inspection

    Paddy McCoy, an Irish printer, received a letter from the Department of Social Welfare…
  • Feb 04, 2012

    Airborne

    The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest…
  • Jan 28, 2012

    Three wishes – and a moving conclusion

    Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and…
  • Jan 28, 2012

    Who wears the trousers in this house?

    A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were…
  • Jan 20, 2012

    A tale to make your hair curl

    Two nuns were shopping at a Tesco store. As they passed the beer fridge, one nun said to…
  • Jan 14, 2012

    How to start a fight

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The…
  • Jan 06, 2012

    New Year resolutions you won’t be able to keep if you’re a nerd

    16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I…
  • Dec 30, 2011

    Dearly Departed

    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back…
  • Dec 30, 2011

    Mental Health Hotline

    Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you have obsessive compulsive disorder,…
  • Dec 29, 2011

    The Irish Wrestler

    A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before…
  • Dec 29, 2011

    It's hard getting old!!!

    OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was…
  • Dec 16, 2011

    Afraid of the dark

    One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse…
  • Dec 16, 2011

    Nuns

    Kieran was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally…
  • Dec 16, 2011

    SAY A PRAYER

    Little Matty and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.…
  • Dec 16, 2011

    How the angel got to the top of the tree.

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as…
  • Dec 09, 2011

    Can I borrow that mule?

    Ellen Neumann A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately…

Newsletter Signup

Signup to our newsletter