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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 30 November 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

User Rating: 5 / 5

WWII, an American soldier, weary from long weeks at the front is on a train leaving Paris and looking for a seat among the packed carriages.

Finally he sees up ahead, space beside a well dressed woman wearing a wide brimmed hat. As he approaches, he sees past the hat, a poodle languishing in the seat he would dearly like to fall into.

He addresses the woman explaining he has been up and down the train, and not finding a seat anywhere respectfully requests the poodle be moved, perhaps onto her lap, allowing him rest his bones.

The woman shrieks at the affront, the seat belongs to Fifi!!, bought long in advance to ensure a pleasant trip for both her and her pet, and is certainly not available to the First American cochon who wanders along! With a sigh, the soldier graciously takes his leave and makes his way back along through the carriages continuing the search.

Finding himself unsuccessful and back at this Frenchwoman’s seat, he politely makes his request once more. On hearing the same shrieking response, with ever more disdain, the soldier leans over, picks up Fifi, opens the train window and flings the dog out. He takes the seat while the Frenchwoman apoplectic now, appeals to a fellow passenger to defend her honour. The gentleman, an Englishman winks at the soldier saying "My good man, I do believe you threw the wrong bitch from the train"

Bob Tallent

Copyright © 2012, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 23 November 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

User Rating: 0 / 5

You know you're Irish when -

You don't need to study for exams because your Granny lit a candle for you.

You thank bus drivers -

A male is known as a fella and a female is known as a one (pronounced wan) -

You do the 4 claps in the song 'the Wild Rover' every time without fail

You show your love for friends and family by insulting them -

You learn to drive at the age of twelve on someone's tractor

You can call someone a mad ##### and mean it as a compliment

“I will my arse “ means No

You live in a tiny town where everyone knows everything about anyone -

You make the pledge but break it that night

You touch the electric fence for the ‘craic’

You greet your friends with an insult

GAA is more important than anything

You know at least 20 Marys

The best reason to do something is for the ‘craic’

When all your phone calls end in "Right bye, bye, bye, bye, bye"

Irishness is...

That mini heart attack you get if you go out and forget to turn off the immersion

You're not drinking? Are you on antibiotics?

Wallpaper on your school books

Boil everything in a huge pot for 3 hours

Being absolutely terrified of a wooden spoon

Going mental at concerts because famous people rarely come over

Flat 7UP heals all illnesses

Ireland is......

Where people say "I'm grand"

Where "I will yeah" means No

Where it always seems to be raining

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 26 October 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

User Rating: 0 / 5

post turtleThis sound like some people that I know!!!

While treating a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had got caught in a farm gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation I've heard yet.

Bob Tallent

Copyright © 2012, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 14 September 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

User Rating: 0 / 5

Seamus & Bessie...

cowAn Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was suing the lorry company,

In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..  

Solicitor  

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .  

Seamus  

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor  

'I didn't ask for any details. Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus  

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,  

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:  

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.  

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite   cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are  you hurt?'

'Now what the f*** would you have said'?

By Bob Tallent