User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, offline work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3am... 4.30am is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL... LOL!”

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, “So, what's your URL?” as a pick-up line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the internet.

2. I will limit my top 10 lists to 10 items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.


By Ellen Neumann


Copyright © 2011, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

Living - Fun - A Bit of Fun

  • santa and reindeer
    Dec 11, 2015

    21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

    21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2.…
  • cowboys
    Dec 20, 2013

    The Gay Cowboy

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very…
  • monks
    Oct 31, 2013

    Monastery Life

    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in…
  • Mar 29, 2013

    Is spring coming soon

  • Mar 15, 2013

    Can you measure up?

    It was a wet day when a man walked out to the street and caught a taxi. He got into the…
  • horses bum
    Feb 22, 2013


    I cant help myself this week. So please excuse the sick jobs. Talking about being sick I…
  • swearing-at-work
    Feb 15, 2013

    Office Notice - Swearing at Work.

    Office Notice Swearing at Work. Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's…
  • holiday complaints
    Feb 08, 2013

    Thomas Cook Holidays Complaints

    A listing some of their UK client’s genuine complaints. 1. "I think it should be…
  • i asked god for a bike
    Jan 25, 2013


    So much to do. So few people to do it for me. The thought of terror frightens me. You…
  • nuns
    Jan 11, 2013

    Two Nuns

    There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one…
  • Nov 30, 2012

    A Lady and her dog

    WWII, an American soldier, weary from long weeks at the front is on a train leaving Paris…
  • Nov 23, 2012

    You Know That You Are Irish When...

    You know you're Irish when - You don't need to study for exams because your Granny lit a…
  • post turtle
    Oct 26, 2012

    There is a lot of truth here...

    This sound like some people that I know!!! While treating a cut on the hand of a 75 year…
  • cow
    Sep 14, 2012

    Seamus & Bessie...

    Seamus & Bessie... An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was…
  • football
    Sep 07, 2012


    "I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"…
  • Aug 31, 2012

    How much is a hole worth!

    Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar... Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the…
  • Jul 19, 2012

    Traffic Camera

    A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture…
  • Jun 20, 2012

    List of English signs in other countries:

    1. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. 2. At a…
  • Jun 01, 2012

    Great Truths

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't…
  • May 19, 2012


    from Bob'S PUNCH LINE. Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get…
  • May 11, 2012

    Don’t talk to the driver!

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the…
  • May 04, 2012


    5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on…
  • Apr 27, 2012

    Peace of mind

    An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there,…
  • Apr 20, 2012

    I’ve got problems

  • Apr 13, 2012

    Just call me PADDY

    A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat…
  • Apr 06, 2012

    Buried upside down

    An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.…
  • Mar 30, 2012

    A letter to God

    Little Billy wanted 100 bucks badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then…
  • Mar 23, 2012

    Don’t shout so loud!

    Bert feared his wife Alice wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might…
  • Mar 16, 2012

    Always defrost the chicken

    Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! Scientists at NASA…
  • Mar 09, 2012

    Why, Why, Why

    Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are…
  • Aengus-O'Snodaigh
    Mar 02, 2012

    It’s Inkredible that the Wolf Toner had no Inkling what he was doing

    I was tidying up the DPNlive twitter account this morning and fell across the Aengus Ó…
  • Mar 02, 2012

    The Pastor's Ass

    The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the…
  • Feb 25, 2012


    The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang…
  • Feb 18, 2012

    The moral of the story------------

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a…
  • Feb 11, 2012

    How to wash a cat!

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the…
  • Feb 04, 2012

    Artful printer dodges inspection

    Paddy McCoy, an Irish printer, received a letter from the Department of Social Welfare…
  • Feb 04, 2012


    The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest…
  • Jan 28, 2012

    Three wishes – and a moving conclusion

    Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and…
  • Jan 28, 2012

    Who wears the trousers in this house?

    A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were…
  • Jan 20, 2012

    A tale to make your hair curl

    Two nuns were shopping at a Tesco store. As they passed the beer fridge, one nun said to…
  • Jan 14, 2012

    How to start a fight

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The…
  • Jan 06, 2012

    New Year resolutions you won’t be able to keep if you’re a nerd

    16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I…
  • Dec 30, 2011

    Dearly Departed

    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back…
  • Dec 30, 2011

    Mental Health Hotline

    Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you have obsessive compulsive disorder,…
  • Dec 29, 2011

    The Irish Wrestler

    A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before…
  • Dec 29, 2011

    It's hard getting old!!!

    OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was…
  • Dec 16, 2011

    Afraid of the dark

    One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse…
  • Dec 16, 2011


    Kieran was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally…
  • Dec 16, 2011


    Little Matty and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.…
  • Dec 16, 2011

    How the angel got to the top of the tree.

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as…
  • Dec 09, 2011

    Can I borrow that mule?

    Ellen Neumann A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately…

Newsletter Signup

Signup to our newsletter