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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 19 May 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

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from Bob'S PUNCH LINE.

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?  If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm 4 and half."

You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony —

You BECOME 21. YES!!!!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out.

There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again:

I'm 100 and a half!!

Yep - Age is a funny thing.

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 11 May 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Copyright © 2012, DPNLIVE – All Rights Reserved

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 04 May 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

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5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject   in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want   to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this   stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are   talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting   argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING   person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and   really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still   SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject   under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the   world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you   have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.   You can also make bets at this stage, because of course,   you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It   doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You   will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because   now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone   especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.   This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can   also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and   challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of   losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and   hell, and you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you   can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a   table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest   of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also   invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can   walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs   because no one can see or hear you and because you're still   SMART you know all the words.

By Bob Tallent

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Written by Administrator

Parent Category: Fun

Category: A Bit of Fun

Created: 27 April 2012

Last Updated: 05 January 2016

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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old.

What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Ellen Neumann

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