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i asked god for a bikei asked god for a bike

  • So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
  • The thought of terror frightens me.
  • You can't teach people to be lazy. They either have it or they don't.
  • If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
  • The older you get the better you get - unless you're a banana.
  • Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
  • Early to bed, early to rise. Work like hell and advertise.
  • Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% chance of getting it wrong.
  • I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life - unless I want to buy something.
  • Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame.
  • Hello fellow telepaths. You're fine, how am I?
  • If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
  • If your dog is fat, you probably aren't getting enough exercise.
  • Dogs have masters - cats have servants.
  • If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable.
  • My Dad's religious. That is, if football is a religion.
  • The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize it's a do it yourself thing.
  • If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
  • My road to success could do with less potholes.
  • Individuality. Great in everything except police line-ups.
  • Anything preying on my mind would starve to death.
  • All the world's a stage and I've got an obstructed view.
  • I'm still not sure I understand ambiguity.
  • Space is an illusion. Disk space doubly so.
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • Never let facts get in the way of a good argument.
  • There is nothing wrong with my car that money can't fix.
  • one-linersone-linersNothing in life can hurt you - except of course barbed wire, but that's another story.
  • Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
  • Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
  • May I refuse to inherit the earth?
  • Never say, "oops!" Always say, "ah, interesting!"
  • Age is only important when it comes to dead fish and good wine.
  • If cars have horsepower, why don't boats have fishpower?
  • Is watching summer re-runs deja view?
  • You learn something new everyday - if you're not careful.
  • It's a small world - but I wouldn't want to mow it.
  • A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"
  • Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award because he was out standing in his field?
  • Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen saying 'Parking Fine.'"
  • Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was fantastic.
  • What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.43. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
  • What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
  • What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
  • Don't take life too seriously, You're not getting out alive.
  • What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
  • With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.
  • I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
  • Impotence: nature's way of saying, "no hard feelings."
  • People who claim that computers will make life easier for us have obviously never used one.
  • Computers come in two styles: prototype and obsolete!
  • With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
  • To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
  • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?
  • Managing programmers is like herding cats.
  • Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
  • Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
  • Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
  • Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
  • Why is there braille on drive thru atm's?
  • I hate sex on tv, I keep falling off.
  • Be Happy, Get Fat.
  • I’m in shape. Round is shape.
  • What kind of cameras do manic-depressives use? Bipolaroids!
  • Did you hear about the guy who had a problem with short-term memory loss?
  • I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Hell wouldn't have me... so I came back!!!
  • Why do 24 hour stores have locks on their doors?
  • Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt!
  • Afghans can’t watch the news coz there’s a teleban.
  • You say I’m a bitch - like its a bad thing?
  • When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
  • Some people say I am crazy... but they have never seen me off my medication.
  • So what if I'm a psycho? There is no cure for being normal!

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