i asked god for a bike

• So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
• The thought of terror frightens me.
• You can't teach people to be lazy. They either have it or they don't.
• If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
• The older you get the better you get - unless you're a banana.
• Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
• Early to bed, early to rise. Work like hell and advertise.
• Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% chance of getting it wrong.
• I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life - unless I want to buy something.
• Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame.
• Hello fellow telepaths. You're fine, how am I?
• If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
• If your dog is fat, you probably aren't getting enough exercise.
• Dogs have masters - cats have servants.
• If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable.
• My Dad's religious. That is, if football is a religion.
• The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize it's a do it yourself thing.
• If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
• My road to success could do with less potholes.
• Individuality. Great in everything except police line-ups.
• Anything preying on my mind would starve to death.
• All the world's a stage and I've got an obstructed view.
• I'm still not sure I understand ambiguity.
• Space is an illusion. Disk space doubly so.
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• Never let facts get in the way of a good argument.
• There is nothing wrong with my car that money can't fix.
• one-linersNothing in life can hurt you - except of course barbed wire, but that's another story.
• Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
• Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
• May I refuse to inherit the earth?
• Never say, "oops!" Always say, "ah, interesting!"
• Age is only important when it comes to dead fish and good wine.
• If cars have horsepower, why don't boats have fishpower?
• Is watching summer re-runs deja view?
• You learn something new everyday - if you're not careful.
• It's a small world - but I wouldn't want to mow it.
• A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"
• Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award because he was out standing in his field?
• Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen saying 'Parking Fine.'"
• Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was fantastic.
• What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.43. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
• What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
• What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
• Don't take life too seriously, You're not getting out alive.
• What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
• With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.
• I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
• Impotence: nature's way of saying, "no hard feelings."
• People who claim that computers will make life easier for us have obviously never used one.
• Computers come in two styles: prototype and obsolete!
• With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
• To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
• Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
• Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?
• Managing programmers is like herding cats.
• Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
• Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
• Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
• Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
• Why is there braille on drive thru atm's?
• I hate sex on tv, I keep falling off.
• Be Happy, Get Fat.
• I’m in shape. Round is shape.
• What kind of cameras do manic-depressives use? Bipolaroids!
• Did you hear about the guy who had a problem with short-term memory loss?
• I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Hell wouldn't have me... so I came back!!!
• Why do 24 hour stores have locks on their doors?
• Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt!
• Afghans can’t watch the news coz there’s a teleban.
• You say I’m a bitch - like its a bad thing?
• When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
• Some people say I am crazy... but they have never seen me off my medication.
• So what if I'm a psycho? There is no cure for being normal!

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